The Beginning of a Bad Relationship

Ha, this I know, now, after many mistakes.  Having three girls and one boy, these mistakes weigh on me.  My oldest two are married with a child, but my baby girl is 16.  Never had a real boyfriend yet.  I have learned she is a fixer like me.  Being a fixer is not good when it comes to relationships.  

“I am going to change, I will, really I will, for you.” they say.  No, no, no, that is jot how it works.  That is our first mistake.  Why are we even considering being with some one who needs to cchang?  If change needs to be made, then they are not the one for you!

“I only did it once, I won’t,  never again.”  What did they do ONLY  once?  Hurt you? Disrespect you? Hit you? If they care for you, once would never happen.  How many times did once really happen?

“You shouldn’t have made me mad, I won’t ever do it again.” How many times have we heard he wouldn’t do it again? 

“I am just no good. I am not good enough for you. I am just trash.”  If a guy says this to you, your response should be, “Maybe you are right.  If you do not think you are good enough for me then I shouldn’t waste my time.”  Never, ever, waste your time trying to prove to a guy he is good enough for you.  That is his job!! 

You can NEVER love someone into a good person.  You can NEVER love them into treating you right.  You can NEVER love them into the person you want them to be.  They are who they choose to be!

Always, always, be with someone who knows your worth.  If they do not know your value, they are not worth your time.  I could sit here all day writing about what guys do or even girls.  I have heard it all and seen more. 

Get to know that person, truly know them.  Watch the person you are interested in and listen, not with your ears, but with your eyes!


The Ongoing Aftermath of Domestic Violence

It has taken me a long time to think about what I am really thinking.  Am I thinking my thoughts, or his thoughts? 

My first marriage of 11 years was filled with physical and mental abuse.  It was almost on a daily basis.  Pregnancy never even slowed it down.  He loved to target my back and my head.  Hit me so hard I would see flashes of light.  I always thought I would die by his hands.

“Maybe of you wasn’t so lazy…..”, “You’re just a stupid fat bitch. ……”, “If you loved me…..”, “That woman is so ugly, but she looks better than you…”, “You’re lying…”, “Who are you cheating with….”, “I hate you! You are worth nothing!” I could go on and on with the things he use to say over and over.

It has been 13 years since I walked out of that.  I still have trouble feeling those words.  You know they are not true, but what you know and what you feel are two different things.  When you are in that situation you begin denying yourself.  What you think and feel no longer matter or is a concern. My opinions, my thoughts, were pushed to the side.  I still have trouble not doing it. I do not cry nor grieve over the past abuse nor get mad at what he did to me.  However, what he has done to my kids is a different story. 

I have realized lately, that I still deny my wants and desires in life.  I did not realize it until recently.  Either I make it all about my kids or feel I do not deserve it.  As a mama, putting our kids first is what we do.  However,  we need a life to, We need to fulfill our desires in life.  What we feel matters!  Being happy matters! We know this right? Feeling it? It takes time.  It is a battle, for one which, one will not understand, unless they are fighting the same war.  We, survivors,  need to remind each other, we ARE worthy! We ARE lovable! We DO deserve to fulfil our desires! To our fellow loved ones, do not waste your time trying to understand.  We can not make you understand something we have yet to understand ourselves.  We can not explain why we stayed so long nor why the effects are still there. We do not need more judgement nor do we need to spend anymore time trying to defend ourselves, we did that with our abusers.   

Seek Happiness and love within thy self.  It lies in no other place!

Let’s Play Ball!

​Just a thought…… these baseball/softball coaches out there. I think it’s awesome you volunteer your time or even the ones who are getting paid as a coach.  However, I ask you to keep one thing in mind. Some of these kids are looking at you as a male role model. You may be the only male that interacts with them in this way. You may be the only male that plays catch and throw with these kids. As you want to teach them to go for winning, let’s not forget about team effort and having fun while playing.

 I see some coaches who have kids in the game.  No doubt, most of their kids are awesome players. The coach in turn seems to think every child has the aame knowledge.  Coaches, your child has an advantage.  Not all kids have that male in their life teaching them the game. 

Remember that while you teach your team, It may be an opportunity to a huge difference to another child and family.  You may be the only father figure that child ever has.  Be diligent!

That Feeling

I woke this morning with THAT feeling.  You know the one where you completely and utterly down for no apparent reason?  Depression is the name; standing strong is the game.  

I know, the ones who read my blog might ask, “What in the world are you ever talking about?”  Yes, I am guilty,  guilty of babble.  Times like today make it about ten times worse.  

You who battle depression may understand.  Yesterday was such a great day.  I was hyped up and feeling all positive and great about life.  This morning though, this tug, tug on my feelings bringing me on the brink of despair.  I then think, like really rattle my brain and try and figure out the reason behind it.  Nothing, there is nothing!  All is good in my life.  I KNOW I have no reason to be depressed.  Sadly though, knowing and feeling are two different things.

I refuse to let it win.  I bow my head and ask God in.  I think of my blessings.  I think of my kids and grand babies.  My life is good, my life is blessed.  Of all the things that I have been through, depression will NOT be what tears me down.  Therefore, I pray and I stand strong!  I have fought many things in my life. In this fight I will, once again, be a survivor!

Know Your Worth

As I am beginning my book on domestic violence, I look back.  So many signs that I Ignored.  I accepted a lot of bad treatment that I never deserved.  I was worth so much more than what his actions showed me.  I deserved so much more than he gave.

We all desire love. We need to search for true love and not try to force it where there is none.  If you find yourself interested in someone, ask yourself why?  Who do you find yourself attracted to this person? How do they treat you?  What kind of life do they live?  Who are they when you are not around?   How do they treat others?

Abusers like to make you prove your love.  What they do not tell you is, you never will.  You will never do enough for an abuser to prove your love.  You shouldn’t have to.  Never should you have to do things that degrade you or embarrass you to prove your worth to them.  Abuse comes in physical as well as mental form.  They manipulate you into doing what they want.  If you do not do as they say then they accuse you of not caring or loving them.  You never can do enough for them.  The problem lies in them and not you.

If you find yourself a victim, know you are not alone.  Some of us understand and also know you are strong enough to get out.  You can!  Reach out to friends and family.   Find places that offer resources.  Do not believe your abuser who makes you feel a lone.  Find other survivors to help give you emotional support.  Sometimes having someone to just listening can be very empowering. Surviving:

Raising kids, not dragging them down.

Making mistakes we all do. We mess up, sometimes more than we care to admit. Sometimes we choose bad lifestyles that we feel guilty about. You have a choice, change it for yourself and show your kids something better, well, that should be the ONLY option. However, some seem to make another choice, they pull their kids into the same lifestyle. Why they do this is only so they can feel better about what they are doing. Most parents want their kids to do far better than them but some, would rather see their kids live in the same state they choose to live. It is the only way they feel better about themselves. 

Sometimes our kids choose to live better life than we chose to, some of us are glad and proud.  Some then judge their own child for choosing a better life.  They choose to be angry with their child because they took a different path. This is not parenting, this is jealously, jealousy that you didn’t have the guts to change.  You then try and manipulate any situation to make them look bad.  You let your own low values destroy what little of relationship you remain to have with your child.  To continue this behaviour you will find yourself one day to be alone.  However, you could start changing that by acting your age and grow up.  It is straight shameful that society’s kids are growing up far faster than their own parents!

Revisiting the Past

As I write my book about the violence I lived in, I am forced to revisit the past.  I see where and why I walked into it.  I remember thr feeling I had.  I never had an identity for myself and at 42 I still do not.  I was the lonely fat girl who so desired love. Mamas we have got to teach and show our children better.

I made so many mistakes on what I showed my girls on how it should be.  My examples could only be mistakes for them to learn from.  Our girls must know that love is not hard! We may have stages that we work in but loving someone should never be hard. Our sons, we must show how to be real men. Manners and respect are not options, they are a must!  

To any child, we should teach them to find who they are and be them! I became wife and mama, never just Lila.  Who am I, I ask at this age.  I find that I tell my kids this continuously now.  Seems this is more of what us females do.  We find the “man of our dreams” and we revovle everything around them, we focus on them.  Along come our kids and we focus on them.  Where are we at? We get lost in there somewhere,  but we must find and keep our identity.  To be completely happy in this life we must not forget about ourselves or we will wake up one day mad at others.  Most of the time we give up who we are because we chose to, in some cases we were forced to but for the most part we did it without anyone asking.  Living this life is not just for your loved ones, it is for you also. Do not forget about you, you deserve to dream, love, and live!