That Feeling

I woke this morning with THAT feeling.  You know the one where you completely and utterly down for no apparent reason?  Depression is the name; standing strong is the game.  

I know, the ones who read my blog might ask, “What in the world are you ever talking about?”  Yes, I am guilty,  guilty of babble.  Times like today make it about ten times worse.  

You who battle depression may understand.  Yesterday was such a great day.  I was hyped up and feeling all positive and great about life.  This morning though, this tug, tug on my feelings bringing me on the brink of despair.  I then think, like really rattle my brain and try and figure out the reason behind it.  Nothing, there is nothing!  All is good in my life.  I KNOW I have no reason to be depressed.  Sadly though, knowing and feeling are two different things.

I refuse to let it win.  I bow my head and ask God in.  I think of my blessings.  I think of my kids and grand babies.  My life is good, my life is blessed.  Of all the things that I have been through, depression will NOT be what tears me down.  Therefore, I pray and I stand strong!  I have fought many things in my life. In this fight I will, once again, be a survivor!


The Getaway

I have three girls from my first marriage and a son from my second.  A few marriages too many, yes.  Maybe I will get to each of them one day.  My girls have told me for a long while to write a book on my life.  Someday I say I will.  For now, I am blogging or maybe journaling may be a better word.  I am doing it more for me than others.  I may have readers, maybe not.  As long as it helps me, great.  If I can encourage others even better.  Chances are I will be all over the place with things and subjects I am telling.  I have been told more than once I am confusing.  But that is okay.

I have made choice after choice that has brought heartache to my life as well as my children. My first marriage was 11 long years of abuse.  There were beatings, name calling, and even rape.  I finally got the courage to walk away after getting involved with the church.  I found my strength in God.  I wanted out and felt God did not put me here for that kind of abuse.  I was beaten more days than not in that marriage.  I finally decided to get him out the house.  I will call him Joseph.

I struggled with the decision, as I never wanted to be a divorce statistic.  I prayed and I prayed to God.  I am about to tell you part of it that I have only told a few.  Some of those few have made fun of me until this day about it.  That is okay because I truly believe it was God talking to me.

I dropped Joseph off at work one day and I prayed all the way home to God.  “God please, just please give me a sign that I should get a divorce.  I need to know I am doing right in your eyes.”  I pleaded.  I made it home and went to check my email.  This was in the days of good ‘ole dial-ups.  Which reminds me of a time I got online early one morning to check my email and got beat because I did so.  Yep, that is the kind of things he did.  Anyway, still praying to God while listening to the sweet song of dial-up.  My email pops up and lo and behold I had one email and one email only.  In the subject line, “How to get a divorce in 30 days.” I set staring at this email for what seems like hours.  I decided then I gotta set this in motion.

I tricked Joseph and I am not ashamed to say it.  We had friends who recently separated and fixed their marriage by living apart for a while.I talked to him about it and convinced him we could do the same.  Of course, he was accusing me of cheating on him the entire time.  I mean, why else would I want to separate from such a charming guy, right?  I helped him find a place to rent being nice the entire time.  Still had some thoughts squeezing in my head and still praying to God the entire time.

We found a place for him and was going to pay his first months rent.  Me, still having those thoughts began praying again.  “God please just let know this is the right thing to do,”  I said over and over in my head.  Joseph pumped gas in car and ran inside and that’s when I got a little louder with my prayer, “Dear Lord, please I need you to be blunt, just be blunt, I am so dunce at these things Lord, just…just throw me a rainbow in the sky or something,” I cried out loudly.

We headed out toward the country to meet his new landlord and the good Lord started speaking to me.  How You ask?  A big beautiful rainbow covering the sky as we headed toward his new house.  My heart smiled so big.  I knew it was the right thing.  I knew God was talking to me and I felt it deep inside my heart.  Only couple days later the good Lord confirmed to me once again I was on the right path.  As I was taken my husband to his new place, yet again, a rainbow in the sky.

I truly believe God was talking to me and comforting me in my decision.  I have been ridiculed by so many for my belief, including my second husband but that is yet another story.  There are many to tell, some nightmares mixed in there.  I will share some of the horrid in my first marriage in the future as I would love for other survivors as well as victims to know that they, that we are not alone.  Many times we feel we are, even after escaping it.  Parts of us are stuck in that cycle.  But we will be okay, all of us will!