I woke this morning with THAT feeling. You know the one where you completely and utterly down for no apparent reason? Depression is the name; standing strong is the game.
I know, the ones who read my blog might ask, “What in the world are you ever talking about?” Yes, I am guilty, guilty of babble. Times like today make it about ten times worse.
You who battle depression may understand. Yesterday was such a great day. I was hyped up and feeling all positive and great about life. This morning though, this tug, tug on my feelings bringing me on the brink of despair. I then think, like really rattle my brain and try and figure out the reason behind it. Nothing, there is nothing! All is good in my life. I KNOW I have no reason to be depressed. Sadly though, knowing and feeling are two different things.
I refuse to let it win. I bow my head and ask God in. I think of my blessings. I think of my kids and grand babies. My life is good, my life is blessed. Of all the things that I have been through, depression will NOT be what tears me down. Therefore, I pray and I stand strong! I have fought many things in my life. In this fight I will, once again, be a survivor!
As I am beginning my book on domestic violence, I look back. So many signs that I Ignored. I accepted a lot of bad treatment that I never deserved. I was worth so much more than what his actions showed me. I deserved so much more than he gave.
We all desire love. We need to search for true love and not try to force it where there is none. If you find yourself interested in someone, ask yourself why? Who do you find yourself attracted to this person? How do they treat you? What kind of life do they live? Who are they when you are not around? How do they treat others?
Abusers like to make you prove your love. What they do not tell you is, you never will. You will never do enough for an abuser to prove your love. You shouldn’t have to. Never should you have to do things that degrade you or embarrass you to prove your worth to them. Abuse comes in physical as well as mental form. They manipulate you into doing what they want. If you do not do as they say then they accuse you of not caring or loving them. You never can do enough for them. The problem lies in them and not you.
If you find yourself a victim, know you are not alone. Some of us understand and also know you are strong enough to get out. You can! Reach out to friends and family. Find places that offer resources. Do not believe your abuser who makes you feel a lone. Find other survivors to help give you emotional support. Sometimes having someone to just listening can be very empowering. Surviving: https://youtu.be/UTRWqvlTf5A
As I write my book about the violence I lived in, I am forced to revisit the past. I see where and why I walked into it. I remember thr feeling I had. I never had an identity for myself and at 42 I still do not. I was the lonely fat girl who so desired love. Mamas we have got to teach and show our children better.
I made so many mistakes on what I showed my girls on how it should be. My examples could only be mistakes for them to learn from. Our girls must know that love is not hard! We may have stages that we work in but loving someone should never be hard. Our sons, we must show how to be real men. Manners and respect are not options, they are a must!
To any child, we should teach them to find who they are and be them! I became wife and mama, never just Lila. Who am I, I ask at this age. I find that I tell my kids this continuously now. Seems this is more of what us females do. We find the “man of our dreams” and we revovle everything around them, we focus on them. Along come our kids and we focus on them. Where are we at? We get lost in there somewhere, but we must find and keep our identity. To be completely happy in this life we must not forget about ourselves or we will wake up one day mad at others. Most of the time we give up who we are because we chose to, in some cases we were forced to but for the most part we did it without anyone asking. Living this life is not just for your loved ones, it is for you also. Do not forget about you, you deserve to dream, love, and live!