It has taken me a long time to think about what I am really thinking. Am I thinking my thoughts, or his thoughts?
My first marriage of 11 years was filled with physical and mental abuse. It was almost on a daily basis. Pregnancy never even slowed it down. He loved to target my back and my head. Hit me so hard I would see flashes of light. I always thought I would die by his hands.
“Maybe of you wasn’t so lazy…..”, “You’re just a stupid fat bitch. ……”, “If you loved me…..”, “That woman is so ugly, but she looks better than you…”, “You’re lying…”, “Who are you cheating with….”, “I hate you! You are worth nothing!” I could go on and on with the things he use to say over and over.
It has been 13 years since I walked out of that. I still have trouble feeling those words. You know they are not true, but what you know and what you feel are two different things. When you are in that situation you begin denying yourself. What you think and feel no longer matter or is a concern. My opinions, my thoughts, were pushed to the side. I still have trouble not doing it. I do not cry nor grieve over the past abuse nor get mad at what he did to me. However, what he has done to my kids is a different story.
I have realized lately, that I still deny my wants and desires in life. I did not realize it until recently. Either I make it all about my kids or feel I do not deserve it. As a mama, putting our kids first is what we do. However, we need a life to, We need to fulfill our desires in life. What we feel matters! Being happy matters! We know this right? Feeling it? It takes time. It is a battle, for one which, one will not understand, unless they are fighting the same war. We, survivors, need to remind each other, we ARE worthy! We ARE lovable! We DO deserve to fulfil our desires! To our fellow loved ones, do not waste your time trying to understand. We can not make you understand something we have yet to understand ourselves. We can not explain why we stayed so long nor why the effects are still there. We do not need more judgement nor do we need to spend anymore time trying to defend ourselves, we did that with our abusers.
Seek Happiness and love within thy self. It lies in no other place!